3. My Studies

I had to study hard because if I failed my exams, my mother would beat me.  But Kian Ling would not be beaten – she could fail and be retained another year and still not be beaten.  Nobody loved me.  I tried to commit suicide once by walking on the ledge of the balcony, but my father found out and beat me up for it.  He never asked why I did it and I never told him.

My childhood made me critical of everything.  I didn’t get compliments from my parents.  I was always sorry for myself.  And that’s where I felt sorry for the orphans at the orphanage.  When I reached form 5 (now called pre-u 1), I offered to help the orphans clean up the school and I gave my parents the excuse that I had work to do in school and could not come home early.  The nuns in the orphanage were happy with me for helping the orphanage and they offered me food.  That way, I didn’t have to eat the lousy food at home.  It was fun helping others – they appreciate you.  I did all these in search of a little bit of love.

St Anthony’s Convent (1949–1959)

I was put in St Anthony’s Convent from primary school to secondary 4.  My parents didn’t want me to go to the Convent of the Holy Infant Jesus, which was the same school as Kian Ling, so that I wouldn’t pressure the treasured child.  Therefore, my father registered me in St Anthony’s Convent.  But there was no vacancy in the morning school there, which received government grants.  So, I went to the afternoon school, which was a private school and the school fees was $5 per month, twice the price of the morning school.

In the year-end examinations, I would come in first all the time lest my mother take the chopper to try to chop me up.  Even when I was first in class, my parents would say I am not clever enough compared to my sister.  Kian Ling would come in thirtieth in class, but my parents would justify it that she was in a better school, so it was understandable that she was lower in position, whereas I was in a lousy school and I was the best of the lousiest, that’s why I could come in first.

Every year, there would be a feast day for the saint whom the Mother Superior was named after, and a concert would be held in the saint’s honour.  Each standard would present a performance item and a child would be chosen to give a bouquet of flowers to the Mother Superior and recite a poem to her.  I was chosen every year from primary one to four.  To this day, I still wonder why I was chosen.  There were so many others that came from English-speaking homes and could recite poems far better than I.  I also wondered how I would come in first in class, given that I was from a Chinese-speaking home. 

We had to attend Mass every feast day of the saints relevant to the convent.  We also had to attend catechism class at the beginning of every school day.  Christianity to me was therefore just another subject, another ritual.

In primary five, I was so unhappy in life and was no longer interested in my studies.  I failed in the examinations and had to be retained in the same standard for a year.  The reality of being retained for a year made me decide to study harder. I did so well the following year that I was able to go to the morning school.  Because St Anthony’s convent did not have a secondary school for the afternoon session, only the morning school could go on to secondary school.  However, if you are retained, your chances of switching to the morning school diminished drastically.  Furthermore, the Primary School Leaving Examinations was instituted the year I was in primary six and the majority of the students in the afternoon school did not do well enough in the examinations to stay in the school.  So staying back for a year was a blessing in disguise.  When I reflect on this, the fact that I did so well and was able to go to the morning school, I see that God really helped me and loves me.

As I grew up, I learned more about God.  I started praying to the God of the Bible.  I still carried out my duties to light the candles on the family altar, but I did it only as a duty.  But similarly, I prayed to God out of a sense of duty.

In primary six, I met a wonderful teacher named Ms Kwok Sai Eng who really showed love.  I really adored her.  She was so kind to me.  She gave me the responsibility of marking the books.  Because of her, my confidence returned.  I did well in secondary school and was admitted to Raffles Girls’ School (RGS) for form 5 (now known as pre-university 1).

Raffles Girls’ School (1960)

But I was unhappy in RGS because they did not pray during recess time and ran around noisily, unlike in the convent. I couldn’t take the unruliness. I was made prefect after four months. I was booed when I went up on stage to receive the prefect badge from the principal. It was only later that I found out from other students that they did not like outsiders to be made prefect. I was so unhappy in RGS I asked the principal to allow me to be transferred to another school. But the principal felt I was doing well in the school and refused to let me go. I went to the principal of the Convent of the Holy Infant Jesus, Sister St Damien, who took one look at my results and immediately accepted me.

Convent of the Holy Infant Jesus (1961)

At the Convent of the Holy Infant Jesus, I did poorly for English because my parents did not encourage us to use English at all. I did badly for Practical Criticism (now known as General Paper) and my teacher, Sister Dolores, would throw my paper out from the fourth-floor window and I had to walk past all the lower secondary school students on the lower floors to retrieve my papers. I could feel all the eyes looking at me as I walked. Upon returning to class, Sister Dolores would look at my paper again and after correcting it with me, would tell me that my paper wasn’t so bad. From my childhood experiences, I was already aware that people can get angry for no reason.

After leaving the convent, I still returned to the orphanage to help the gardeners and other “third division” staff with their duties so that I wouldn’t have to go home and do housework.

University of Singapore (1962–1965)

I was admitted into the University of Singapore at Bukit Timah in September 1962. Because of my GCE ‘A’ Levels results, I was awarded a government bursary to cover my lodgings and academic fees in the university for three years. I read Geography and Economics as my majors and Law as the minor. I love Geography and Law. I took Economics for my GCE ‘A’ Level Examinations, but realized that it was not as interesting at tertiary level.

In the third term of my final year I lost control of my limbs, which would lash out uncontrollably. It was the beginning of the term when I realized I had developed tics in my limbs and I went to see Dr William Heng, whose private practice, Wilmar Clinic, was just around the corner of Loke Yew Street. He immediately diagnosed my condition as Chorea and had me admitted to Singapore General Hospital where I stayed for three months. My hospital bills were thankfully covered by the bursary. Because of my hospitalization, I was unable to attend class and the university informed me that I would not pass the examinations. They offered me an honorary degree in recognition of my attendance. I refused the offer as an honorary degree would not qualify me a graduate’s salary. A friend of mine from the convent, Ms Annie Chan, who was also reading the same subjects, used carbon paper while making notes for herself and gave me the copy of her notes. I used those copies to study for my examinations while I was hospitalized. Because of that, I managed to pass my examinations with a general degree as I was not able to get my honours degree. And so, I ended up as a teacher, which was what my father said was the socially-expected career of women at that time. Nonetheless, I am grateful to Annie for her invaluable help, without which I would not have received a degree. She also became a teacher and was my inspector when I was the principal at Yuan Ching Secondary School.